Damn Hippies.

Good morning everyone.  Sorry I haven’t updated in a few days.  It’s been crazy busy.  First things first.  I ate yesterday.  I was going to wait until Sunday to eat, but I was worried that after my first meal of solid food I’d get sick.  I start my new job on Tuesday and I really didn’t want to be running to bathroom all day.  So last night I had a salad and a chicken sandwich.  It was fantastic.   It felt so good to chew again.  Of course this is my blog and I can’t get away with not complaining about something.  The Mrs. and I went to the improv comedy club last night.  We went early so we could have dinner and then watch the show.  At the improv they sit 4 people to a table so when it’s just me and the wife we get sat with another couple that we don’t know.  This isn’t usually a problem, my wife is crazy sociable and I can sit quietly while she makes new friends.  Well last night guess who we got stuck with?  Tree-hugging-hot-yoga-doing-burn-out-vegan-hipsters.  They were probably in their early fifties, looked malnourished and had plenty to say about how I didn’t need to eat meat.  

“You can get all the protein you need from the earth.  Beans and soy.  Thats the way to go.  Your body will thank you”.  

Listen here earth-mother, I haven’t had food in two weeks.  I’m fucking starving.  One more word out of your patchouli-soaked ass and I order a steak I don’t even want just so you can see it sitting on our table.    

“You gotta try hot yoga.  It will change your life.  You get in there, find your center, then sweat out all the toxins.”

What’s a toxin?  Can you intelligently explain to me what a toxin is?  No mumbo-jumbo-hippy-dippy-bull-shit.  Can’t do it?  That’s what I thought.  Now shut up and let me eat my chicken in peace.

To be honest, I didn’t really want the whole chicken sandwich.  I was totally full after half, but I made sure I ate the rest.  They were lying to themselves, pretending they were happy splitting that plain Cesar salad.  

I’m 270.  In all, I lost 23 pounds on just juice diet.  I’m going to keep up the juicing, but I’m going to add one meal each day.  

Not me on a plane.

Some of this stuff is jokes.

COME ON PEOPLE!! I heard yesterday that a lot of you thought that picture of the fat guy with skinny legs was actually me.  Come on.  I’m big but Cheese and Rice I’m not THAT big!  I googled “fat guy + skinny legs” and that picture came up.  You should have known it wasn’t me.  First of all, his legs are way bigger than mine.  Fat or skinny I’ve never had that kind of calf definition.  Second, he’s in a mini-mart without a shirt on.  I don’t even go to bed without a shirt on much less walk around in public without one.  Maybe when I’m done I’ll post before and after pic, but for now just assume anytime I put a picture up... its a joke.   

Quick update on the boys.  They are both loving school.  Yesterday was their first full day and they both had a great time.  So far my favorite part has been that neither of them knows how to ration out their energy throughout the day so I had them both asleep last night by 7:30.  No fighting, no arguing, just “go to bed” “okay Dad”. Boom. Done. 

I am really excited by all of you who have joined me on this juicing thing.  I really believe that even if you’re not losing weight, just putting all of those vitamins in your system has to be beneficial.  I am feeling very encouraged by all of you.  I am not kidding when I say that several times over the last 10 days I’ve felt weak and wanted to cheat.  I’ve wanted eat something so bad, but knowing that I’d have to write about it and that maybe someone who is reading this is keeping themselves from cheating by knowing that I am not is really helping me.  So thank you.  My cravings have subsided some.  I no longer am having dreams about junk food so that’s nice.  I did have one moment last night where I really really wanted to eat an egg.  I imagine this is what it’s like being a pregnant woman.  I have a big belly and a desire to eat strange food.  Plus I have to pee a lot.  

I tried fennel in a juice yesterday.  Not bad.  The after taste was like black licorice. 

 I’m down to 274 today. 

Not me on a boat. 

No thanks. I'm Full.

I tried to write yesterday, but I was having a hard time finding my voice.  When I write these things I think its fun to be a little snarky and yesterday I was not feeling that at all.

Yesterday was the boys first day of school.  My oldest has been in school/daycare since he was six weeks old or something like that.  I knew he wouldn't have a problem going back.  He was ready for kindergarden and his new "big-kids school", but my youngest has never had to go.  I've been out of work so I was able to stay home with him for the last two years.  To be fair, he did go to infant care when he was really little, but I'm sure he has no memory of it.  I could tell all morning that he was nervous.  He wasn't talking very much and was being very reserved.  When we got to school, his mother, brother, and I all took him to his classroom.  Right away he jutted out his bottom lip and started to tear up.  It broke my heart.  I could feel that HE was feeling abandoned.   I was so sad.  I wanted to scoop him up and say, "that's it!  Home school for you buddy."  I just wanted to take him out of there.  I have really got to give my wife credit, she hugged him and told him we'd be back to pick him up later and she didn't cry at all (until we got home).  What happened next is the reason she cried.  My oldest son (who is 5) without prompting got down on one knee so he could be eye to eye with his little brother, put a hand on his shoulder, and said "You don't have to worry.  I'll be right next door if you need me.  You're going to have fun."  Then he hugged him.  I've never been so proud of anything in my whole life.  After that we left.  Then we walked over to the kindergarden room and my oldest just said, "Bye Mom. Bye Dad" and ran off to see his friends.  As we left I had a strange feeling of both extreme pride and of being kicked squarely in the nuts.  

I'm glad it was a half day at school, because my wife and I were a mess at home.  I can't even tell you what we did other than stare at the clock.  When we got to school, we picked up my oldest first.  He was skipping and smiling and telling us about his day, "What did I do?? Guys, I did SO MUCH!"  It was great. Exactly what I was expecting and hoping for.  The wild card was going to be how his little brother had done.  We were really anxious as we opened the door and walked into his class, but all of those fears and negative thoughts were washed away the second we saw him.  He was sitting down with the other kids finishing his lunch.  When he saw us he said, "Hi Mommy, Hi Daddy" then he kept eating.  I was worried that he was going to be a snotty-faced mess when we got there.  At the very least I just knew he would have red puffy eyes from all the tears.  But no. Nothing.   He was as happy as always.  We asked the teacher how he did. Did he cry much?  She said, "No... everyone else did, but he was fine."  She told us that one of the other little boys was crying because he said he didn't have any friends to play with and my youngest came over and brought him a toy truck and said "View can pway wiff me."  After that I guess they played together all day.

It was impossible for me to write a silly blog yesterday complaining about how hungry I was when my heart was so full.

...a double double with grilled onions would have been nice though.



I did have a new juice that I recommend everyone try.  It's called Mint Tropical Coconut Juice.

1/4 pineapple (clean and cubed)
1 cup blackberries
1 kiwi
1 pear
1/2 cup coconut water
30 mint leaves

So so good.

I also drank the mean green and the apple/lemon/ginger and those were fine, but that last one... wow.

I weighed in at 275 this morning.  Look at me using the original holes in my belt.

 

Hanker for a Hunk of Cheese

Still at 278.  Thats okay.  I think 15 pounds in my first week is a good start.  Tomorrow is the kids' first day back at school so I might try to start exercising.  That should help me maximize this diet experiment.  I wanted to start exercising this week, but there were recommendations against it.  It's probably best that I didn't.  If I had just finished a hard workout then had to drink a glass of "Turn the beet around" juice I probably would have laid down in traffic.  I think this week I'll be much more prepared.

Yesterday was interesting.  I can't tell if it was encouraging or discouraging.  I was feeling kinda good about myself.  I just got a new job, I'm down 15 pounds, things are looking up.  We decided (and by "we" I mean "my wife and kids" decided) that we would celebrate the end of summer by going to Soak City water park.  Here's where I get lost as to whether it was an encouraging or discouraging day.  There were all kinds of people there; some of them made me feel down right skinny, others made me want to swim with a tee-shirt on.   At lunch time I was sitting around the picnic table drinking my smuggled in juice (no outside food or drinks!) when this guy walks by and I guarantee at least one of his parents performs at Sea-World.  I thought to myself, "Why in the name of Bob's Big Boy am I sneaking juice into a water park?  Look at that guy!  I'm nowhere near that big.  I can eat some people food if I want."  I didn't.  But that was the closest I've been to cheating.  The kids shared a slice of cheese pizza.  I shamelessly held that pizza up and smelled half the flavor right off it.  Then I pinched the crust just a little bit so I could feel if it was crunchy or chewy.  It was good, people.  You know how you can just tell when it's good pizza?  It was good.  That was like a vacation.  I closed my eyes and everything.  Then I came back to reality, put it down and drank my contraband kale drippings.


Yesterdays juices were.. whatever.

Something green.

Something orangish.  Carrot I think.

Oh! I did have some fresh orange juice and it was awesome! But, be careful!  You can't have too much of that because it might bring you some happiness then your diet won't work-- apparently.

artist rendering of me in a cowboy hat.

Bring Me Solo and the Wookie

Good Morning everyone!  Sorry I didn't update yesterday.  I was really busy.  I got a new job!  Also, it was the first day of my last semester of school.  With all that going on I forgot to weigh myself before had my "breakfast" so I didn't have an accurate weight to report.  Don't worry I still haven't had anything but juice and water.  This morning I was 278.

Had another unexpected bit of awesome from this diet yesterday.  You know how it's really hard to give a pee sample to the nurse without keeping your dignity?  I mean you're handing this poor woman a glass of your warm piss.  There is no way to do that without your relationship changing.  Wanna make it worse?  Try handing her some beet-pink wee-wee and take a look at her face.  Before the pee test I was talking to her, things were friendly,  then boom.  Cherry-koolaid.  I actually said "sorry" when I gave it to her.  I don't think it made things any better.  The damage was done.  She looked sad  and said "Okay.  You can go".

I've known for years, but I am really starting to hate that I have no lower body.  All of my weight is stomach.  I have got these two little toothpicks legs and a Santa Claus upper body.  If you were to see a picture of me from the waist down I'd look like the whitest Kenyan long distance runner ever, from the waist up you'd expect to see Han Solo frozen in carbonite on the wall behind me.

I don't even know what I had to drink yesterday.

Something with beets that tasted like hate.

Something with ginger.

Something green.  Probably kale.

My neighbor had homemade lasagna and invited the whole neighborhood over.  I had water.

Am I sure I want to lose weight?

You know how if you're next to someone whose getting high and you're breathing in the same smoke/air you can catch a "contact-high"?  Is it possible to get "contact-fat"?  Yesterday was the hardest day yet.  The Mrs. had a big day at work then was going to meet some friends for happy hour.  That is awesome, she is awesome and so selfless all the time, she deserves to do something for herself.  I offered to drop her and her friend off so they wouldn't have to worry about driving.  Safety first.  The plan was after I dropped them off I could take the boys to get dinner.  Sounds easy enough.

Here is where my life turns into a sitcom.  My wife went to happy hour at Ruths Chris.  One of my favorite restaurants and by far my favorite happy hour place.  That's okay.  I just dropped them off out front and took off.  If I can turn my back on a steak sandwich, I can do anything.  The boys wanted to go to Red Robin.  I called my Mom and invited her and my brother to join us.  I kept telling myself "you drove away from Ruths Chris.  This is easy. Just burgers and fries".  NOPE!! Big Fat f'ing NOPE! Not Easy! Oh good Lord, Red Robin was enticing.  My Mom got the blue cheese burger,  my brother got the Royal Burger (with fried egg and bacon).  Those are my two favorite things on the menu since they got rid of that one burger with mozzarella sticks on it.  There were three milk shakes on the table, oh yeah and they brought us extra plates of fries because they were busy and it was taking so long to bring the food out.  I had a glass of water.  I almost had two glasses of water but my youngest chewed up a french fry then backwashed it into the glass.  I just looked at that cloudy mess and thought "come on man.  Thats all I've got".  It's enough to make me cry hot-salty-man tears.

I weighed in this morning at 280.  After the self control I showed last night I was really pissed that I didn't wake up with a 6 pack.  I know I didn't do a "sit-up" or "work out" or any of that stuff, but I kinda felt like my stomach owed me one.

Sunrise Juice x2
8 carrots, 4 oranges, 2 beets
fun fact: beet juice makes your pee turn pink and your poo look like a shotgun blast to the stomach. yay.

Green Lemonade Juice  x2
8 kale leaves, 3 handfuls spinach, 1 green apple, 1 cucumber, 2 celery stalks, 1 lemon.
Who do I sue about false advertising? That is NOT Lemonade.  You liars.

My brother didn't even finish his Royal Burger. IT'S CALLED A ROYAL BURGER.  IT'S MADE FOR KINGS!  I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FULL!! YOU FORCE IT DOWN!! THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING OUT THERE!!

My Mom was telling me I didn't need to lose weight and that I looked fine the way I am.  Thanks Mom, but while that was very sweet, that doesn't help my motivation.  Lucky for me I have my wife at home who told me "You don't look like you lost any weight".

Thanks babe.

Bear, Beets, Battlestar Galactica

I love my wife and kids.  I love my wife and kids.  I love my wife and kids.  I don't want to have a heart attack before I'm 40.  I don't want a heart attack before I'm 40. *phew* Okay that's better.  I have to keep telling myself there is a good reason that I've had beet juice in my last two drinks.   Beet juice sucks.  For those of you who have never had beet juice let me tell you how you too can partake in its flavor.  First, go outside and find a nice grass field.  Next, dig up a tuft of grass.  Turn it upside-down and lick the dirt part. Ta-da! Instant Beet Flavor!! You're welcome.

Alright, now that my bitching is out of the way... I'm down another 5 pounds.  283.  So at this rate by the end of my 15 day cleanse I should be down 75 pounds.  I'm sure thats healthy right?

Yesterdays Drinks and what I pretended I was eating instead:

Citrus Green
2 green apples, 2 oranges, 6 handfuls of spinach

This one was really good.  I didn't pretend at all!

Mean Green
same as yesterday

In my mind I was eating that bacon at Grandmas.

Sporty Spice
4 beets, 2 carrots, 6 celery stalks, 1 lemon, 2 oranges, 2 handfulls of basil

In my mind I was eating a mexican pizza from Taco Bell.  I haven't had one of those in years, but last night I would have punched a stranger for one.

Purple Passion

30-40 grapes, 1 carton of blue berries, handful of mint.

It was good, but it really needed alcohol.  Rum.  Yeah, rum would have been nice.

NUMBER TWO

288 this morning.  Down five pounds.  Lets not get too excited.  I'm guessing that may have something to do with the 10+ trips to the bathroom.  Overall the first day wasn't too bad.  It was filled with normal dieting struggles; commercials for food, fixing the kids food, being near food, normal stuff.  I'm hoping that these cravings go away soon because food is all I can think about right now.  The funny thing is I'm not hungry.  My stomach feels full (I'm sure the houses plumbing would argue that I have to be empty by now).  What I am missing is the act of eating something.  The putting it in your mouth and chewing part.  I have no complaints about the drinks so far.  The juices I had yesterday were really tasty.

Carrot Apple Ginger
6 carrots, 4 apples, a 2 inch piece of ginger

Mean Green
6 kale leaves, 2 cucumbers, 2 celery stalks, 1 green apple, 1/2 lemon, 1 inch ginger

Pear Pie Delight
1 sweet potato, 2 pears, 1 red apple, handful of blue berries, and a dash of cinnamon

I had the first two drinks twice each and the last one as a dessert.  I'd drink the carrot and pear ones even if I wasn't on a diet.  They are that good.  The green one isn't awful, it tastes mostly like cucumber with a hint of lawn clippings.  Not bad, but nothing I would request.

I haven't had any of the headaches or "fogginess" that I usually get at the beginning of a diet, so that's nice.  I did made the mistake today of going to see my Grandma.  I love her, but she just does not understand the idea of a diet.

"Scotty, let me make you some bacon"

"I can't Grandma. I'm only drinking juice"

"How about sausage and eggs?"

"Nothing Grams, only juice."

"I can fix you a burrito. Do you want a burrito?"

"*Sigh*"

Truth is, a sausage-bacon-egg-burrito would be awesome, but then I'd have to write about how weak I was after a day and a half.  Thats not happening.

And we're off!

293.  Two-ninety-three. Two hundred and ninety three.  If pounds were pennies, I'd probably buy doughnuts.  Welcome to my accountability blog.  My plan is to weigh myself every morning and post the results here.  Hopefully the public shaming will keep me from giving up and going back to my supper-size it, better make that two, damn right I have room for pie lifestyle.

Sadly 293 isn't the most I've ever weighed. When I was 19 I tipped the scales at 297.  I promised myself I'd never get that big again, but I didn't think I'd walk right up to that line then stop.  Oh well, I made my bed, then ate it apparently.  I don't really have a goal weight in mind, something in the 230-240 range would be good.  Man... that 293 was a shocker.  I haven't had a scale in a while, but when I did I tended to hover around 255.  I'd get up to about 265 when I was heavy.  I assumed that is where I was now. I did not see that 293 coming... gross.

So here is my "plan" to help me get healthy.  I've done the south beach diet in the past and had some success with it.  Before my wedding (7 years ago) I did south beach really seriously and I got down to about 225.  I know I have the will power to lose weight, I just need to motivate myself.  About a month ago I saw a story on the front page of yahoo about this guy, Joe Cross, and his mean green juice drink.  A week or so later my wife was watching Good Morning America and the same guy was on talking about the health benefits of juicing.  Then he was on the morning radio show I listen to.  Finally his movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead was on Netflix instant, so I said enough is enough and I watched it.  In the movie Joe and this other guy named Phil go on a juice cleanse/fast diet for 60 days.  When they were done they had both shed a crazy amount of tonnage.  Joe was down something like 90 lb. by movies end and Phil was down over 200 lb.  I am not those guys and I do not expect results like that.  I'm going to try to juice fast for 15 days and see what happens.  If everything is going to plan then I'll stay on it. If not, I'll do something else.  Here goes. Day 1. Let's get it on.

TL/DR:

Name: Scott
Blood type: cookie dough
Juice Diet: yes